Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
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*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I only look at Wordle for the articles