my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
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therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Inside you there are two wolves
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…