ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
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God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”