“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
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Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Chicago sounds lovely.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Tony Hawk, age 6
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field