Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
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Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Xylophonist Shredding It
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”