I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Nomnomnomnom