Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
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“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor