PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
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Netflix: We have Less
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.