PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
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This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: can you close the door
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.