*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
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This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.