Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
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I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Word!
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
WHY would you be happy about this?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”