All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
You Might Also Like
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Software Development ⛵️
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil