[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
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Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
HELP 😭
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I need a headline like this
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
The pen is writier than the sword.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.