@JasonLastname The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
@ericsshadow [wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
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@JasonLastname 
@TheCatWhisprer I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
@Brianhopecomedy “Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
@xLiserx 1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
@ehh_ptr Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
@AndyAsAdjective GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
@bonehugsnirony Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
@KyleMakesStufUp Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
@HomeWithPeanut Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
@girlontapas My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.