Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
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This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
The real reason evolution started..😂
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.