Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
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[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”