Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
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Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.