COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
You Might Also Like
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.