confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
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Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.