Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
You Might Also Like
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
i choose….tongue
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”