Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
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My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
This guy’s not having it 😆
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking