ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
You Might Also Like
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.