Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
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Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
i baked you a cake
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in