they should invent a rest for the wicked
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Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream