We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
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[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
never deleting this app.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.