Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
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I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
LMAO.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
grotesque if literal: baby food
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.