rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
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I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
#parenting
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Customer is always right
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes