[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
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I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I get distracted pretty eas
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Barbie gone wild
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.