[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
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There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Skills
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH