You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
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I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.