Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
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Forever 21… pounds overweight
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
these two trucks have the same bed length
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
my favorite genre of twitter
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.