Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

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[excerpt from my failed job application]

◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops


7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.


Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier


[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER: k-i-m


As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….


Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.


Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar


If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.


Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”


Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming