@SonOfCha

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

You Might Also Like

@ShortSleeveSuit

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

@UnFitz

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

@SadFaceOtter

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

@panmidwest

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

@Discourt

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

@DevilryFun

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

@weinerdog4life

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

@ristolable

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

@Social_Mime

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

@GingerCaat

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming