these two trucks have the same bed length
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Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I love the honesty
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.