Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
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Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.