“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
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Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”