Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit