Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
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Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”