I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
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*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
so this horse walks into a bar
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.