If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
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If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.