Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
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At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
March 16
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*