kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
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Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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