My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
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For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.