“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
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I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video