Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
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If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
water it, i dare you
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Become ungovernable.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough