me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
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“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
it must be school picture day
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.