Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
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I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
😂😂
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people