I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
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I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.