BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
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So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
True statement👍😏😁
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Admin smashed it 😂
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.