BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.![]()
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*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Meanwhile in Canada…
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?
– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?