Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

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Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown


Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.


Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.


Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.


For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.


boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator


[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone


My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.


Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”


Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”