@WilliamAder

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

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@LostCatDog

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

@dhumann

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

@SamGirlSunday

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

@Gupton68

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

@RonFilipkowski

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

@mrjohndarby

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

@internetluke

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

@DadandBuried

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

@JBWogan

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”