Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
You Might Also Like
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
🌱🌱🌱
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
plant them where lol
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day