“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
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20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.