“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
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If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
How to find Kentucky on a map
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
How does one answer this?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.