I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
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[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
your honor my client chooses dare
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks