I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet 鉂わ笍馃枙鉂わ笍
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Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn鈥檛 finish your broccoli last night.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that鈥檚 all most people know how to cook.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I won鈥檛 get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people鈥檚 tweets.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband鈥檚 performance when he鈥檚 in the throes of a toe cramp.
My neighbor鈥檚 cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there鈥檚 cat hair all over my genes.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.