I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
You Might Also Like
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
The government even made aliens boring
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
All generalizations are stupid.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”